A Totally Serious Black Eyed Peas Fanfiction
by JonatanTimson
Summary: A very totally 100% serious look at the Black Eyed Peas. Will Apl,de,ap and Taboo finally get together? Will they finally defeat their rival band that performs unlicensed versions of their songs? Will they win the Kids Choice Award for Best Pop Artist? "These are serious and interesting plotlines" -the writer. "omg THIS" -somebody on tumblr. "You have 3 weeks to live" -my doctor
1. Chapter 1 - The Fanta Menace

CHAPTER 1 – The Fanta Menace

"Goodnight everybody!" Fergie yelled to the crowd, yellingly.

Apl,de,ap tried to say a thing. "We hope you had a-"

"That's our show!" Will,i,am interrupted, right as Apl,de,ap realized he didn't have a microphone. Sweaty and tired from finishing their eight-night tour in Greenland, all of the members of the Black Eyed Peas went backstage.

"That was awesome you guys," said Taboo.

Apl,de,ap stared at Taboos eyes and only his eyes and not his bulging crotch area and only his eyes. "You're not too bad yourself."

Will,i,am interrupted. "Jeezy doodles, you guys. Just get a room already!"

"I know you meant for us to take that statement as a joke," said Fergie, "but I've taken enough high school English classes to know that that statement might be classified as foreshadowing."

"Oh, you guys!" Taboo said, blissfully unaware of how shitty this dialogue was. "Apl,de,ap and I can't date! That'd be silly!"

Apl,de,ap laughed, slightly uncomfortably. Taboo laughed as well, slightly uncomfortablier. Will,i,am, meanwhile, was in the corner of the room handing money and a contract signed in blood to a hooded figure.

"Oh, don't pay attention to him," said Will,i,am.

When all of a sudden, a distraction happened. "Watch out!" said Fergie. "A distraction!"

The distraction swooped down from the skies and started charging straight toward Fergie. She narrowly dodged the distraction by throwing her body weight to her right. The distraction flew past her. Angered, the distraction looked straight at Apl,de,ap, and prepared to charge. Apl,de,ap looked befuddled. He was practically paralyzed by the trauma of the distraction looking into his eyes.

The distraction ran towards Apl,de,ap's face, and in a split second, Taboo grabbed him and pushed him out of the way.

Will,i,am took out a sword and sliced the distraction in half. "We're safe now. You can get up," he said to Apl,de,ap and Taboo, both lying on the ground.

"WETOTALLYWERENTKISSING," said Taboo, being totally unsuspicious.

"Oh! Thank goodness you clarified that you weren't kissing, otherwise I would have thought you were." Will,i,am helped them both up.

Fergie sighed. "Wow guys. That was quite a predicament we were in right just now. Am I right guys?"

She was right.

It _was_ quite a predicament they were in. But what could it mean? What could the distractions want from the Black Eyed Peas? Did the title of this chapter have any relevance to the story? What is the answer to that last question?

There were too many unanswered questions…


	2. Chapter 2 - The Chappening

CHAPTER 2 – The Chappening

"Taboo," Apl,de,ap whispered to his sweet prince. "Wake up! I've made us pancakes!"

"Oh, my gay lover! How I love you so!" Taboo sighed and got up to find a fresh pancake in the shape of a star upon his plate. "My homosexual partner, did you make this pancake in this particular shape because I am a star in your eyes?"

Apl,de,ap gave him a blank stare. "I don't have any eyes." He took his glasses off only to reveal the stitches along his eyelids. "Don't worry about it."

There was a long silence.

"C- can you… uh… put your glasses back on?" Taboo starting shivering.

"Oh, yeah. Sure." Apl,de,ap put his glasses back on, backingly and glassesingly. "Now lets eat." He took out the syrup and started pouring it on his pants "But not the pancakes."

"Oh, does this mean you want to have hardcore consensual gay sex with me?" Taboo said.

Apl,de,ap started making a growling noise as if he was either broken or turned on. And then…

THIS NEXT PART NSFW. 17+. DON'T SHOW UR CHILDREN

Their peeny-weenies touched.

There was a whole mess of peeny-weeny touching.

Apl,de,ap touched Taboos peeny-weeny. Vice versa.

As they touched each other's peeny-weenies, it was at that moment the author realized their father never loved them.

Anyways, their diddly-wongles were dangling everywhere.

"Oh, put it in my mouth and other orfaces of my body," said one of them.

OKAY THAT WAS THE NSFW STUFF. CHILDREN CAN KEEP ON READING NOW.

"Man, that was some good sex stuff we did, Apl,de, .ap." Said Taboo.

"It sure LOOKED like it," said a voice from behind the curtain.

"Will,i,am, what're you doing here?" said Apl,de,ap. "You're supposed to be doing something somewhere and not watching us having gay sex!"

Will,i,am chuckled. "Don't worry my friends, there is a reason for me to being here."

"That sentence was not grammatically corr-"

"Taboo, not your turn to talk. I came here because I'm afraid I Gotta Feelin' that we might be getting swindled."

"Don't phunk with me, Will!" Apl,de,ap frowned. "I know that's some straight up Monkey Business! What do you mean?"

Taboo tried to join in. "FERGALICIOUS."

It was awkward. Fergalicious wasn't even their song. What a tool.

"I mean," Will,i,am said, "that there's a band that's ripping us off."

Apl,de,ap gasped in horror. "You don't mean…"

"Yes," Will,i,am said. "There's a band out there that's trying to copy all the songs we wrote-"

"We didn't write those song-"

"THE SONGS WE WROTE…" Will,i,am looked into Taboo's eyes menacingly, and then continued his sentence. "…And passing them off as their own, without our permission, or our money-getting."

"Like Beatlemania, but with a more famous band!" screamed Apl,de,ap.

As Will,i,am explained his plan of action, Fergie ran through the doorway, panting. "Did you tell them?" she gasped. "Abou- About the WACK Eyed Peas? Also, did you see what I did there?"

"Fergie, you're two thousand and late!"

Fergie made a confused face towards Will,i,am. "What?"

"You were supposed to be here about two thousand ago!"

Taboo tried to join in the conversation. "Two thousand what?"

Will,i,am glared at Taboo for the second time that day. "I'm getting real sick of your shit, Taboo. This is why I went solo with… other people."

"Hey!" Apl,de,ap screamed. "Don't talk to my gaymosexual lovespank that way!"

The room gasped. The gasp would later on give Will,i,am the idea for his future hit song "#GASP (Drop It To The Basement) Ft. Flo Rida Ft. James Franco Ft. Simon & Garfunkle"

"You two are having gay sex together?" Said a surprised Will,i,am, even though he watched.

"I told you it was foreshadowing," boasted Fergie. "I didn't read Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar' for nothing."

"Listen, guys. That's not important." Apl,de,ap stood up. "When you tour with somebody as long as we have, you tend to get a bit… intimate with each other. We eventually created a bond that'll last a lifetime. And if you have a problem with that… then you'll have to fight me. Man to man. Mano y mano."

"That's not what that means."

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm right, Taboo." Apl,de,ap continued. "Regardless of what this band does… No matter how many solo songs we make and no matter how many of them become hits…"

"#Thatpower."

"Glamorous."

"I… uh…" Taboo struggled to relate. "Oh, shit. Am I really the Ringo of this group?"

"NO MATTER HOW MANY OF THEM BECOME HITS… Taboo and I will still be on top."

When all of a sudden, a poorly timed segue came!

"Listen guys," said Will,i,am. "These guys are dangerous. They are a supergroup Black Eyed Peas cover band that will stop at nothing to take our songs for free."

"They're not our songs. We didn't even write half of them…"

"LEGALLY THEY'RE OUR SONGS, TABOO."

"Legally, they're the record labels, but-"

"TABOO." Will,i,am's face turned seething red. "BACK THE FUCK OFF."

Taboo backed the fuck off.

"Anyways, they've already made a considerable profit. They've played at places such as The House Of Blues, and got featured on an MC Skat Cat song."

Apl,de,ap, in anger, started to rant. "I do not like them in the house, I do not like them with that mouse. I do not like this shady scam, I do not like it, Will,i,am!"

"According to my research," said Will,i,am, trying as hard as he could to ignore Apl,de,ap's joke. "This supergroup consists entirely of a team of ragtag celebrities."

Fergie started to look intrigued. "Which celebrities represent each of us?"

"Well, there's no information on which celebrity plays who," Will,i,am walked over to a powerpoint slide he had made earlier that day. "But I'm assuming that I'll be played by someone cool, like Matt Henry from The Voice, or a black version of Astro Boy."

Apl,de,ap got interested. "What about the rest of us?"

"You," Will,i,am said, pointing at Apl,de,ap, "will probably be played by Bruno Mars in a Wario costume. Taboo will probably be played by an equally out of touch Keanu Reeves, and Fergie will be played by… any blonde woman."

"I am insulted," said Fergie, "But at the same time, that is a fair assessment."

Will,i,am continued. "However, it is important to note that my predictions might be false. But regardless of who were being played by, we need to act fast!"

"How?" asked Taboo.

"By going straight to where they are… The Kids Choice Awards."


	3. Chapter 3 - HASHTAGThirdChapter

CHAPTER 3 – #ThirdChapter

The gang quickly packed to get into their business Jet. They walked through the terminal, which would later on give Will,i,am the idea for his future hit song "#Terminal," which was just his phones ringtone put on loop with Will,i,am's voice dubbed over it.

Drake, but not the rapper Drake, like, a different Drake was there, because he asked the author to be written into this story.

"Wanna buy pot?" said the waste of life.

"Drugs are for losers," said Fergie, who was Drakes best friends mom.

The story continued without Drake being in it.

Will,i,am, despite being friends with Taboo and Apl,de,ap since before he could remember, still felt weird about the fact that they were having-

NEXT PART RATED E10+. HIDE YOUR KIDS. THEY CAN'T BE EXPOSED TO THIS.

gay sex.

OKAY, THAT WAS THE NAUGHTY STUFF. KIDS CAN KEEP ON READING.

Will,i,am continued to talk to himself. "I shouldn't be uncomfortable with it, but I just am. Why?"

"You know, if this was a literary work, what you just did could be considered an aside," Fergie interrupted, not helping.

"Fergie, what is with you and high school English classes?"

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," said Fergie, as the author of this fan fiction procrastinated on their Macbeth analysis paper.

They all boarded the plane, each with their own luggage. Taboo and Apl,de,ap shared a suitcase, packed to the brim with silver clothes and trench coats. Fergie's suitcase, meanwhile, contained a large amount of hair care products, while Will,i,ams suitcase was filled up with his ego. The plane took off.

"You know, this kind of reminds me of a song I once sang," said Fergie. She started singing. "We flying the first class up in the s-"

"DIRTY BIT"

"Will, I was singing."

"Sorry, habit."

"My name is not habit." Fergie paused. "Did you see what I did there? I took you saying 'sorry, it is a habit,' but I mistakenly assumed you were calling me habit, taking a humorous look on the strange aspects and double meanings of the English language."

"Guys, stop trying to have banter! We've arrived at the Kids Choice Awards!" Apl,de,ap looked out the window, only to remember the fact that he didn't have eyes.

The plane landed successfully, despite it landing in the middle of the 405 freeway.

Fergie began to speak. "This is a crazy situation that we are in right now."

The gang began to rush out the plane, leaving their luggage inside. "We have to get to the Kids Choice Awards before those copycats play!" said Taboo.

Through the use of transitional effect, they all arrived to the Kids Choice Awards on time. "We have to get backstage before those copycats play!" said Taboo.

Before they could even move, though, a swarm of children surrounded them. "We have to get rid of these kids before those copycats play!" said Taboo.

"Goddammit, Taboo, we get it! We all know the plot!" Will,i,am became more enraged, as the child interviewers got closer to Will,i,am's jacket made entirely out of zippers. "Why are they unzipping each individual one? Do they not know what holds this jacket together?"

"Oh, fine!" yelled Taboo. "Blame it on the kids attention span and NOT your weird love of useless clothing!"

"Apl,de,ap," Fergie said, engulfed in a swarm of tweens. "Go! Save us all! It's your destiny!"

Apl,de,ap did that thing with his eyebrows where he looked confused. "Wait, why's it gotta be me?"

"Because you're the only one here not popular enough to get swarmed by these kids!" Fergie tried to pull kids off of her shoulders as she continued to speak. "I realize that what I just said sounded kind of mean, but you really can't blame me. You're really unpopular compared to us."

"Why doesn't Taboo help me? I mean, he's just as popular as I am, right?" Apl,de,ap turned to Taboo only to realize that he had the most kids surrounding him.

"Sorry, lovemuffin!" said Taboo. "Ever since I made that cameo as the judge in the hit movie, 'What To Expect When You're Expecting,' kids just can't get enough of me!"

Apl,de,ap reluctantly left to save the gang. "I gotta think fast… What will distract these tweens from beating up my best friends?" When all of a sudden, he came up with an idea. "Free Macaroni and iPhones! Get your free macaroni and iPhones here!"

The young young adults turned in unison, staring at Apl,de,ap. "Well? Where are they?"

Apl,de,ap had to think fast. "Ehh… umm…" He didn't.

"This is totes lame!" said a dad trying to relate to his son. "I'm instagramming this to snapchat pinterest internet."

When all of a sudden, a face came from the crowd that Apl,de,ap knew would get their attention. "Is that… Could it be…"

It was Adam Sandler and Kevin James, still blissfully unaware that their 'adult comedy' was only relatable and funny to children.

Suddenly, the room was aflutter with the sound of children rushing to the comedy duo, passing Apl,de,ap on the way. "Is it really you?" "My mom says you're popular!" "I loved that movie where you get hit in the balls!"

The gang was finally free from the clutches of the tweens. Will,i,am exhaled in relief, while Fergie started crying in happiness. "I know that what just happened made us nearly die, but I'm sure this will bring us closer together in the future."

Will,i,am responded. "I'm just glad none of us got really hurt."

A scream came from across the room, disproving Will,i,ams point and making him slightly bummed out the rest of the day. "I've been hurt!" The voice was Apl,de,ap's.

Taboo, hearing Apl,de,ap's cries for help, rushed to the scene. "What's wrong my darling?" Tears welled up in his eyes.

"I- I-"

"You what?" Taboos tears dropped onto Apl,de,ap's glistening coat.

"Don't cry on my jacket, it ruins the fabric."

"Oh, sorry." Taboo kept it together. "What's wrong?"

"I- I-" Apl,de,ap tried to speak. "I- I-" Apl,de,ap still tried to speak. "I- I-"

"Oh, for gods sake." Will,i,am quickly walked up to Apl,de,ap. "Tell us what's wrong so we can emotionally grieve for about 5 seconds then leave you for dead to stop the supergroup from playing."

Apl,de,ap choked, "Say… Please…"

"Fine, goddammit." Will,i,am tried to not look as pissed. "…Can you _please_ tell us what's wrong?"

Apl,de,ap started shivering in fear of past events. "They… The kids… They stepped on my Mohawk…" He curled up in a ball on the ground and started audibly crying.

Taboo held him with his arms. "Apl,de,ap, you'll be fine! You need to be strong! We'll get you styling gel when we get back in the plane, alright? Fergie has some extra gel."

Fergie scoffed. "I normally would make an excuse as to why you can't use my hair care products, but since we've known each other for this long, I might as well just come out and say I don't like you all that much."

Taboo gave a look to Fergie.

"But… I can spare a jar of 'Dr. Ray-Ray's Extra Hold For Pop Stars'… For the sake of the group." Fergie crossed her arms.

"Apl,de,ap…" Taboo said. "Just… stay here and we'll come and help you once we finish what we came here for, alright?"

"Alright."

Wow. This scene is emotional. I'd cry if I didn't write this. I wonder if this fanfic will win an award; like… the prestigious gold circle award or whatever that I keep on seeing on books that I read.


	4. Chapter 4 - Fists Up, Show Down

Chapter 4 – Fists Up, Show Down

Taboo, Fergie, and Will,i,am quickly rushed to their reserved seats, only to find that they were still reserved for them.

"Oh no!" said Fergie.

"What?"

Fergie thought for a minute. "The wording in that first sentence made it sound like something bad happened, so I felt like it was only appropriate to respond in a way that gives a hint to the audience that we are aware of the problem at hand."

"Our seats were reserved, Fergie. Nothing bad happened."

"Well, I realized that immediately once I reread it. Why does the author have to phrase it like that? All that happened was we went to our seats and they were still reserved under our names. Why phrase it like it's a problem?"

"Yeah, I agree. At least if they're gonna phrase it like that, make a problem happen."

The author, now annoyed, decided that unfortunately, those seats were in the section of the theater that was getting demolished for remodeling, and so without warning, or any logical explanation, a wrecking ball trashed all four of their seats.

"Oh no!" said Fergie.

"See? That's an appropriate response for that. You're doing better at this, Fergie!"

As the gang scrambled trying to find some seats, famed poet Maya Angelou took the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, as a proud w-" Slime poured from the ceiling and onto the stage. Maya Angelou, barely holding it together, managed to finish her thought. "Anyways, here are 'The Black Eyed Peas' performing a medley of their hit songs." She began walking offstage, muttering cuss words under her breath.

"Wait a second," Fergie said, confused. "Should we be up their performing our hit songs right now? We're kinda busy."

Will,i,am looked back at Fergie. "No, I think it's the supergroup."

Looking back on stage, they noticed that Maya Angelou was having an argument with a producer near the backstage area. Exasperated, and clearly wanting to go home, she angrily stepped back up to the mic. "Apparently, there's been a mix up. I meant to-" Slime poured down from the ceiling again, along with a small amount of water. No, wait. Those were Maya Angelou's tears. That's an oopsies on my part. "Anyways," she sobbed. "What I meant to say was these are the 'Black Guy Peas' and they are performing a medley."

Taboo, Fergie, and Will,i,am all looked to the stage.

"So please give a round of applause to…" Maya Angelou listed off each member as they went onstage. "Frank Ocean and his extremely hot ex-boyfriend and male model Willy Cartier as Jenga and Citrus,de,citrus." Frank Ocean with a glue-on Fu Manchu and his ex-boyfriend took the stage. Fergie's lookalike followed. "Kirstie Alley as Furji"

"A part of me is insulted," said Fergie. "But another part of me is proud of her for flaunting her sexuality as wonderfully as she is."

Maya Angelou continued. "And lastly, as Will,i,also…"

Will,i,am waited for his clone. "I wonder who it is! It's probably somebody awesome, like Jay-Z or anybody with large amounts of money."

"A brown egg with googly eyes and hair!" Maya Angelou waited patiently as the brown egg was assisted onstage.

"What?" Will,i,am was Will,i,enraged. "How? How could I have been replaced by a brown egg in this gang of misfits? Does this mean that maybe… I'm less iconic than I think, and I need to give the others in this group much more credit?" It weighed on him heavily. He began to crumble to the floor, trying to answer seemingly unknown questions. He began to ponder about what being a celebrity has made him become, which would later give Will,i,am the idea for his future hit song, "This Burden I Carry," which was a heart-wrenching sonata played on piano and harp written in 6/4 time. Just kidding, it was actually a song about tits.

"Are you feeling it tonight?" Kirstie Alley said into the mic. The crowd was as pumped as a high heel. (Get it? Heel? Pumps?)

They began to sing. "BANG BANG BANG Gotta have some BANG BANG BANG Gotta have some."

"I have a prediction, That this night will be really good, That this night will be really good, That this night will probably be real real good"

"My mounds. My mounds my mounds my mounds, My beautiful female mounds"

"This is awful," Will,i,am yelled. "We need to stop them, but how?"

Suddenly, Taboo's voice boomed through the room. "I challenge you to a duel!"

The room gasped collectively. As the commotion settled down, Citrus,de,citrus spoke up. "You mean to say _you_ of all people want to duel _us_? Do you know who we are? We are the Black Guy Peas, dammit."

Taboo looked confused. "Yeah, and I'm from the actual Black Eyed Peas. Did you really not know that?"

Citrus,de,citrus had a look of relief. "Oh, THAT'S who you look like! It was bugging me all day."

"Never mind about that!" Taboo started to walk towards the stage. "It's time for a battle. If you get out of the battle alive, you get to take the Black Eyed Peas name."

"Um… Taboo…" Fergie tried to get his attention.

"If we win, you have to step down and stop performing tacky versions of our own songs."

"Like, shouldn't we have a discussion about this, or something?" Fergie tried to speak up.

Jenga went up to Taboo. "Okay, little man." He licked his lips and swished his hair back in a particularly sassy fashion. "Let's play."

Will,i,am chuckled. "It's funny, because both of your names are board games."

"ROUND ONE!"

Citrus,de,citrus began charging towards Taboo with great speed. As he came closer and closer, Taboo drew his arm back, and immediately thrust his fist forward as Citrus,de,citrus came. No, not like that. Stop laughing. This is the serious part of the fic.

"Ow!" Citrus,de,citrus crumbled to the ground. "That's my nose! That was my fucking nose!" His bloody face looked into Taboo's ethnically indefinable eyes. "I've been Thinkin' Bout You… DEAD!" Taboo forgot that he was also Frank Ocean, so the joke didn't make sense at first.

He started briskly walking towards him, with a limp. His eyes were filled with rage, and his arms were being held by two men in grey suits- wait, what?

"Let go of me!" Citrus,de,citrus proclaimed. "What are you doing to me?"

One of the men in suits brought out a badge and started explaining. "Frank Ocean, AKA Citrus,de,citrus, AKA Aykaye Aye, you are hereby sued by the FCC for swearing on a children's program."

Citrus,de,citrus was whisked away to the backstage area. Jenga was clearly upset. "No, don't take him away!" He tried to follow him.

"ROUND TWO: FERGIE VS. KIRSTIE ALLEY"

"Who's saying that?" said Fergie, looking around trying to find the voice.

Kirstie Alley leaned toward Will,i,also and began whispering. "Look at this bitch. With her stupid blonde hair, and her stupid pouty lips."

"Hey!" Fergie yelled. "First of all, you have the exact same features. Second of all, you are talking to an egg, and he cannot hear you."

"Actually, he can. You see, about 5 years ago, an evil witch-"

"THIRDLY, if you want to say stuff like that, then come here and say it. Face to face. Mano y mano."

Taboo shrugged in anger. "Does nobody in this group know what that phrase means?"

Kirstie Alley tried to explain. "Mano y mano means mayonnaise and mayonnaise. Like, when you want extra mayonnaise on your sandwich right now, you say "Mano y mano, por mañana." Taboo was in the corner crying at the bastardization of the Spanish language. "And you know what 'Tío de dice' means?"

Taboo tried chime in. "…'Uncle of says'?"

"TIME TO DIE!" Kirstie alley pulled a sword out of… actually, I'm not sure exactly where she pulled it out of, but nevertheless, it's out now.

"A sword? Hah!" Fergie started reaching in her purse. "Say 'bueno' to my little friend!" As Taboo tried to explain that 'bueno' actually means 'good,' Fergie brought out a large squirt gun.

"That squirt gun? Hah! How do you think that's going to defeat my katana? You're so stupid, why don't you just-" Just then, Fergie started hitting Kirstie Alley over the head with the squirt gun, knocking her unconscious.

"You know, I'm starting to think the author of this fanfiction tries way too hard to be funny while moving on with a ridiculous plot," said Will,i,am. Just then, the fourth wall broke.

"FINAL BATTLE: Will,i,am vs. An egg."

"Do I really have to do this?" said Will,i,am to the omnipresent voice. "Like… it's an egg."

The egg didn't respond.

"Fine." Will,i,am lightly stepped on the egg with his shoe, cracking the shell. "I win." Will,i,am lifted his foot up only to reveal that the brown egg was actually filled with what seemed to be human blood, and shrunken intestines, now smothered by the impact of the boot. "what"

"Not the time to worry, Will!" Fergie said. "I know we need to do something else, but we're forgetting something!"

it was Apl,de,ap

"But what exactly are we forgetting?"

it was Apl,de,ap

"I'm not sure," said Taboo. "My mind's drawing a blank."

it was Apl,de,ap

"Whatever, guys. Let's just relax and watch the rest of the Kids Choice Awards."

Pope Francis was the next to walk up to the stage. "Post hoc nominatis Benedicite omnes judicaverint."

Will,i,am turned to the gang. "Is he speaking Latin?"

"No, I'm pretty sure that's Spanish," Fergie responded.

"Our nominees for purest of heart in an animated TV series are as follows-" Slime rained down from the ceiling, covering the Popes robes. He looked up to the producer. "I forgive you." He continued listing off the nominees, as the Black Eyed Peas watched with content in their eyes, knowing they had successfully taken down the Black Guy Peas.


	5. Chapter 5 - The Desolation of Smaug

Chapter 5 – The Desolation Of Smaug

"…Hello?"

Nobody answered.

"Is anybody there?"

Even more nobody answered.

"Did The Black Eyed Peas win?"

It was Apl,de,ap. Since having his Mohawk stepped on, he had been lying on the floor in pain for the entire time. Kinda sad, really.

"That's fine. I'll just sit here rehearsing for our next concert." He continued laying down. "…Mazel Tov! ...Tonight! …Let's live it up!" After doing this for a very depressing two or so minutes, he heard a voice.

"You can't take him away! He is essential to The Black Guy Peas!" It was Jenga, trying to convince the FCC to let go of Citrus,de,citrus.

"Guys, let go!" Citrus,de,citrus struggled to escape the grip of the two men in suits.

"There's no escape, Citrus,de,citrus." The men hauled him into a large van. As Frank Ocean tried to yell as loud as he could, the glass silenced him more than the oppressive government to the Russian media – WAKE UP, PEOPLE.

The van drove away. "My baby… I will love you .always." He turned around only to see the real Apl,de,ap in front of him. "Oh… Are you-"

"The real Apl,de,ap, yes."

"Wow… You're much cuter in person. :)" I am unsure how he could pronounce the smiley face emoticon, but he did it. It was kinda scary, to be honest.

"Thanks, uh…" Apl,de,ap tried to hint the man to give him his name.

"I'm Willy Cartier. I play Jenga in the Black Guy Peas."

"Why would you play Jenga as an instrument? It's not that conveni-"

"No, I play the PART of Jenga."

"So, you have a costume of stacked blocks? Is this what we were trying to fight? That's not that threatening."

"NO! Okay, you know how Taboo's name is Taboo?"

"I thought his name was Christopher, but continue."

"Well, Taboo is a board game, right? So in order to come up with my name, I took another game and applied it to me. So I AM Jenga."

"I'll be honest, I stopped listening to what you were saying right after the letter W. If I may be truthful… I kind of got lost in your eyes."

Suddenly, the air in the room changed. The entire atmosphere around them became romantic. There was a slight purplish hue that seemed to take place of the sky, and fog that rolled along the ground. Despite it actually being the effects of pollution from the nuclear testing facility across the street, it was very romantic.

Jenga tried hard to repress his feelings. He even did that thing where he tucked one side of his hair back behind his ear and bit his lip and kinda looked down at the ground like MMM YES HE'S SO HOT. "So, what happened to you?" Jenga said.

"Well, I was with the Black Eyed Peas, and I saved them all from certain death. When all of a sudden… A group of kids ran me over… and ruined my mohawk."

"It's okay… I'm here." Willy started to hug him.

CUT TO THE KIDS CHOICE AWARDS

As Taboo tolerated P!nk doing a cover of the Ripped Pants song from Spongebob with a forced smile on his face, all of a sudden… he smelled danger.

"Sniff, sniff," said Taboo. I don't even know why he said that, he could've just actually… sniffed, but no, he… fully committed to that sniff. He didn't have to say his actions, but… whatever. His decision. "I smell danger," he said.

Fergie brought out her purse. "Oh, no. That's just my popcorn. I snuck it past security so I didn't have to spend my hard-earned $10 bucks on some medium sized popcorn bowl set in the shape of Fanboy and Chumchum's severed heads."

Taboo didn't pay attention to this information. Without missing a Dre beat, he ran towards the exit.

CUT BACK TO WHERE APL,DE,AP AND JENGA WERE.

Jenga embraced Apl,de,ap with all of might.

Apl,de,ap acquiesced and closed his eyes in comfort. "You smell like… Chrome."

Jenga smiled. "That's because I'm actually part robot." Without Apl,de,ap seeing, Jenga pulled a switchblade out of his pocket.

Apl,de,ap opened his eyes and began to ponder. "Wait, a second. Robots can't feel emotion." Jenga continued lifting up the switchblade in hopes that he'd be able to kill Apl,de,ap before he could figure out what was going on.

"Let! Him! GO!" said a booming, masculine voice. Turns out it was Taboo's, so it was kind of disappointing.

"My doppelganger!"

"No," said Taboo. "You're MY doppelganger. And you're touching MY love machine!"

Jenga stood up. "You're wrong, I AM a machine!"

Apl,de,ap, still lying down, tried to join in. "Guys, don't fight! And Taboo, how could you blame me? First of all, he's absolutely gorgeous and his pectorals glisten when in the right light." Taboo looked down at his pectorals which only gave off a slight shimmer. Much less sexy. "Second of all, you were the one who left me here when my Mohawk broke."

"Wait, your Mohawk was the only part of you that got damaged?" Taboo speculated. "Why are you laying down, then? You still have the ability to stand?"

"…It's just comfy down here." Apl,de,ap continued. "I know you had to save our band… But I want a man who can save _me_."

Taboo kept talking. "Well, first of all, Jenga here was trying to stab you-" Apl,de,ap smiled creepily and raised his eyebrows. "No, not like that. You perv." He stopped smiling. "Jenga was trying to stab you with a knife and NOT HIS PENIS I can see you in my peripheral vision making that face, Apl,de,ap. Stop."

Apl,de,ap suddenly got stone-faced, and turned slowly towards Jenga. "You… were trying to stab me?"

"Only a little."

"But why? I thought we were gonna be lovers forever!"

"For two minutes," scoffed Taboo.

"Okay, you want the truth?" Jenga said. "I knew that the only way to get the Black Eyed Peas name is if I broke up the band by killing one of their members at their most vulnerable. So I went after Apl,de,ap."

Apl,de,ap smiled. "You guys would break up if I wasn't able to be in the group anymore?"

Taboo began sobbing. "Yes, Apl,de,ap. You mean a lot to me. To all of us. But especially to me."

"In that case…" Apl,de,ap stood up, Mohawk dangling off the side of his face. "Time to put our fists up, and the show down."

Taboo tried to correct him. "That was actually the last chapters name. Do something a bit more original."

"Okay, what's this chapters name?"

"The Desolation of Smaug."

"Really? The author's kind of pushing it."

Just then, proving Apl,de,ap's point, Fergie and Will,i,am showed up to help the others.

"Or is it?" said Fergie. "I didn't hear the last sentence you said there, so I hope that entrance line worked."

(Authors note: It didn't.)

Jenga became furious. "Curses!" he screamed like a 1940's cartoon burglar. "I can't win when I'm against the power of best friends!"

The Black Eyed Peas high fived each other thinking they had won.

Jenga crumbled to the ground, then lifted his head up to BEP. "But I'll try my DAMNDEST!" Just then, Jenga's body began to do robot-y things, like in that Sprite commercial where Drake, but not the Drake from earlier, like the rapper Drake, transformed into a giant robot thingy.

"No! He's turning into a giant robot… thingy!" Fergie yelled.

Will,i,am looked quizzical. "What is he transforming into, anyway?"

Taboo tried to speculate. "Isn't it obvious? He's a… he's a thingy."

Jenga began charging towards the Grammy Award-Winning quartet. They all went in ninja-like poses. "Okay," Will,i,am said. "Here is the plan. Taboo, you get his left side. As he's distracted, I'll run up and try to search his body for a weak point. Apl,de,ap, while I'm doing that, you need to collect all the twigs you can find, and-"

Suddenly, Will,i,am was interrupted with the sound of electronic noises. "Nooooo!" It was Jenga. "My circuits! My circuits!" He exploded in multiple shards.

Confused, Will,i,am turned to Fergie who was holding the squirt gun from earlier. Fergie put it back in her purse. "It's like you guys don't even do your research. I knew he was a robot all along."

The gang turned back towards the entrance doors as they all heard the voices of Wilford Brimley and Malala Yousafzai presenting the next award. They all walked into the room.

"And the nominees for Best Pop Artist are... Adele"

"Rihanna"

"Macklemore & Ryan Lewis"  
"Kraftwerk"

"And The Black Eyed Peas."

The Black Eyed Peas clapped for themselves as the rest of the audience tried to figure out who Kraftwerk was.

"And the winner is…" Malala opened the envelope. "The Black Eyed Peas!"

Will,i,am, Fergie, Taboo, and Apl,de,ap all rushed to the stage. Apl,de,ap began to speak. "I would just like to thank these guys right here… They are the truest of friends, and they would do anything for m-"

"Thank you for this award!" Will,i,am shoved Apl,de,ap out of the way. "I can't believe it… We beat the Doppelganger group, Apl,de,ap and Taboo patched up their gay relationship, I finally accepted their being together, we defeated the robot, and we won the award!"

"And I finally have made amends with the birth father I never even knew I had!" Everybody looked at Fergie in confusion. "Oh… Were you guys not around for that?"

"And now that all of the cliché comedy plots and subplots have been wrapped up in the cheapest and most non satisfying way possible, I think it's time to CELEBRATE!"

The party began to start, as Fergie popped open a bottle of Champagne on stage, Apl,de,ap took to the turntables and began to DJ. Taboo and Will,i,am even were having a dance-off!

"HEY! What the hell is this?" The producer started walking on stage and shooed off the Black Eyed Peas. "Get offstage! Get off!"


	6. Chapter 6 - T,H,E, E,N,D,

Chapter 6 – T.H.E. E.N.D.

The Black Eyed Peas were now back on their private jet, ready to set course for their next gig at the Bizik Family Zoo in Našice, Croatia.

"Wow, guys, I think we have learned so much with all of these events happening," Fergie shared. "I think we have grown so much as a band."

"Well, I've grown in SOME areas…" Apl,de,ap said as Taboo lovingly stroked his hair.

"I think Fergie is absolutely right, you guys," Will,i,am said, wine glass in hand.

Apl,de,ap still tried to get peoples attention. "No, I don't think you understood what I just said."

"We are much closer as a band now since this little adventure."

Apl,de,ap still tried to make people understand what his joke was. "I was talking about my penis."

Will,i,am continued anyway. "…And with this new knowledge, I hope we can put out many more albums with the theme of fashion, fun, and whatever else Tiger Beat says are good song topics."

"No, you guys, listen." Apl,de,ap turned away from Taboo to try to make sure people understand what exactly he was talking about. "So Fergie said 'Oh, I think we've grown so much as a band,' and I was like 'Well, I think I've grown in some areas,' and like… I was talking about my penis, because- You know what? Forget it. You had to be there."

"We were there, Apl,de,ap," Will,i,am explained. "That's why we didn't laugh."

Apl,de,ap, now filled with utter despair, drank another sip of champagne.

"Well, guys, looks like we did it! We saved the planet!" Taboo took a drink.

"Hey, guys! Look!" Fergie was inspecting the Kids Choice Award. "This doesn't say our name… This says 'The Black _Guy_ Peas…"

Will,i,am became filled with sorrow. "That means… We just beat up and killed members of a band who rightfully won this award. We're monsters."

"Maybe they just misspelled it," Fergie suspected.

"No, it has an asterisk after it which leads to the engraving of the phrase 'Not to be confused with The Black Eyed Peas.'" He stared off into the distance blankly. "What've I done? I- I feel horrible."

"Well, at least we still have each other," quipped Apl,de,ap.

Taboo chuckled. "That is until Fergie and Will,i,am inevitably leave us to go back to their already successful solo careers leaving us behind to wash up on the beaches of short-lived pop stardom!"

The group gave a hearty laugh.

They all looked at Taboo in unison with a smile on their faces. "Oh, Taboo!"

thats the ending


End file.
